Everyday Grass

It all made perfect sense at the time. They were both headed for the harbour anyway, walking together made the journey slightly less tedious. And when they found themselves boarding the same ship, well, that was okay too, since neither of them had actually been on a long voyage before. And when they finally reached land it seemed sensible to get a room together, because they were both struggling with the language and, well, safety in numbers, right?

But a month later, when Akira rolled over and found Hotaru still there in the morning, he really couldn't fathom why. Why Hotaru was still there, why in Akira's bed and not his own, and why on earth he hadn't killed him for it yet. It wasn't as if Hotaru was easy to live with. Or that either of them gained any particular benefit from the arrangement, other than being able to share the cost of a room. And the sex (though Akira hesitated to call that a benefit in this case). But really, he could see no good reason for Hotaru to still be there.

Maybe it was just sheer stubbornness on both their parts. That was believable, that the only reason they were still travelling together was because they were both too stubborn to walk away. Akira had to admit that he hadn't actually told Hotaru to go away, or clearly headed off by himself. Hotaru was still here this morning but so was he. He could've left in the night, had he really wanted to. Hotaru slept like the dead after all.

So maybe he liked it a little. Liked sex that he didn't have to ask for or pay for. Liked curling up against Hotaru when it grew cold at night. Liked waking up to the feeling of that same warmth next to him and Hotaru (blessedly) still asleep. Liked not having to explain himself, why he'd want to become stronger even now, because Hotaru wanted the same thing. Liked not being alone again.

But this was Hotaru, he who was capable of making Akira's blood boil at fifty paces with just one inconsiderate word. And did, almost constantly. He even critisised his training methods, and his fighting skills, whenever they managed to get into an actual fight with someone. He was unhelpful, ungrateful and unrepentantly rude. Not a day went by when Akira didn't feel the need to raise his voice at his companion.

Yet at night all that seemed to be forgotten. Hotaru was really very... attentive was the only word Akira could think to describe it; aware of his needs. Without his sight a simple touch could be mind-blowing. And he really hadn't had much chance before to experience just how enjoyable sex could be, how reassuring, when he had no eyes to guide him.

In the four years he had been separated from the others, he had generally avoided any personal attachments. Kyo abandoning him had left a nasty sting in his heart and a bitter taste in his mouth. He was not going to risk such pain again in a hurry. So he'd spurned those who'd actually cared (what few there had been) and paid for relief only when his frustration reached its peak. He probably would not have acted at all, had living with Kyo and Bon not made him accustomed to visiting brothels. He treated it like any other basic need; like hunger and thirst it could easily be satisfied if he had the money.

Since locating Kyo again though, he had met many new people. Most of whom he at least respected, and some of whom he had come to genuinely care for. But with all the fighting and being constantly on the move, he really had had precious little time to explore those feelings. And now that it was all over and Kyo was gone again (Akira didn't for a second believe that he was actually dead), he felt he had to return to his old life, to continue training himself until he reached his true limit. Even though it meant being alone again.

But so far he hadn't been given the chance. And Hotaru was still here now. Hotaru had never had trouble walking away from him before, why should he now? Why hadn't he done so himself, if it really was bothering him that much? Maybe he had finally gone mad and was imagining the whole thing. That would explain Hotaru being at all nice to him, because no doubt his mind had created a more tolerable companion for him. Yes, that had to be it. He was having trouble coping with being alone again, so he'd imagined Hotaru staying with him, sleeping with him. The real Hotaru had probably left after that first night, was probably miles away by now.

It made more sense than Hotaru actually choosing to stay with him.

"Akira?" Akira nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice speaking suddenly so close to his ear. "You awake?" Then a pause while Hotaru studied his face. "Yeah, you are. What's that face for?"

No time like the present, Akira told himself firmly. He might as well get this over with.

"I was just wondering why you're still here."

"Why not?" Hotaru answered, yawning and stretching slightly.

"Yes, but it's been over a month since we got here. And there's not been a single morning when I haven't woken up to find you still here. Why are you still with me?"

"Why not?" Hotaru repeated, sounding confused. Akira ground his teeth.

"That's it? You stay with me only because you can't see a reason not to? Not because you actually have any particular reason to?!"

"You shout at me all day but at night you stop, and it's nice."

"Yes, but why would you- Oh just forget it! I don't know why I ever expected you to make any sense in the first place!"

Hotaru was silent for a moment. Akira hoped that meant that he was actually thinking for once before saying anything else.

"Last time I left you, you poked your eyes out."

Akira froze. He hadn't been expecting this. That was then and this was now. It wasn't relevant.

"That was for a reason and it proved quite effective. I have no need to repeat the process."

"I liked your eyes," Hotaru stated simply.

Akira swallowed nervously. Where was Hotaru going with this? True, he often seemed pleased by the simplest things, but surely he wasn't hanging around because of Akira's eyes? They were already gone and even if they hadn't been, it was still ridiculous.

"Well they weren't doing me any good," he snapped back, "and I don't miss them!"

"But you do miss Kyo."

"What?! You- Y-"

"I miss him too. Even more now than I did before."

Akira couldn't believe what he was hearing. This was insane. Kyo had nothing to do with it. It was Hotaru's own decision, his own actions that were the issue here. But Akira found he had to bite his lip, as anger and sadness vied for control inside him. It truly hurt to hear it said out loud.

"I- I asked you why you were staying with me!"

"Because I want to," Hotaru stated, sounding quite determined this time. "Because I want to and I can and you haven't tried to stop me yet."

Akira had no answer for that. It was a reason. Not the one he'd feared nor any he'd suspected, but it was a reason. And it wasn't until Hotaru placed a hand upon his shoulder that he actually realised he was shaking. And then it made sense to let the fire-user embrace him, to lean against him and let his head rest on Hotaru's shoulder. And it was okay to feel soft kisses on his neck, and for there to be hands drawing soothing circles on his back. It was okay to feel comforted by this, because he knew that Hotaru felt comforted by it too.